Sport

THE world's newest nation celebrated its birth last night with a 4-1 victory over Scotland.

FERNANDO Torres' £50m transfer fee was clearly adjusted to allow for inflation, Chelsea insisted last night.

GARY Neville has announced his retirement from his version of football to focus on growing a moustache.

I HAVE cast an eye over the transfer dealings and picked out the Mozarts from the Salieris.

FOOTBALL fans are once again choosing to ignore how the multi-million pound transfer market makes their club allegiances look stupid and pointless.

CHIPPY millionaire Andy Murray will send an IKEA Aspelund wardrobe in his place for all future Grand Slam finals.

RICHARD Keys has blamed disturbances in the Force for his recent inability to cling on to his job.

BRITAIN could soon have the best lesbian squash players in Europe, prime minister David Cameron said last night.

SEBASTIAN Coe has revealed he was once a leading member of West Ham's notorious Inter City Firm.

THE offside rule is so simple even a woman can easily understand it, experts have confirmed.