Sport

Gerrard ******s A **** With ****

LIVERPOOL captain Steven Gerrard is bracing himself for revelations that he ***ed a ***** and has had to ***** the ***** with a coat hanger and a ****ing great *******.

Liverpool Fans Accuse Hodgson Of Raging Sanity

PROTESTORS outside Anfield last night questioned whether Roy Hodgson is mentally unstable enough to manage Liverpool.

England Players Tired After Long Season Of Travelodge Skanks

FOOTBALL chiefs are to consider a reduction in the number of spray-tan trollops that top-flight players have to wheelbarrow in a motorway hotel.

Video Technology Confirms England Are Very Bad At Football

ENGLAND are heading home from the World Cup today after state-of-the-art video technology showed the ball crossing their goal line many, many times.

Tennis Match Goes Insane

THE All England Tennis Club has commissioned a special forces officer to terminate a match at Wimbledon after it went completely insane.

That Hitler Was German, Say Experts

ADOLF Hitler was one of them Germans, experts claimed last night.

The Time For Talking About How The Time For Talking Is Over Is Over, Says Terry

ENGLAND'S John Terry has said that it is time for the players to step up a gear in their gear-step-upping ahead of their game against Slovenia.

Fischer To Be Exhumed Using The 'Trompowsky Desecration'

THE body of chess genius Bobby Fischer will be exhumed using the classic 'Trompowsky Desecration', it was confirmed last night.

North Korea Celebrates Flawless 8-0 Win

NORTH Koreans were celebrating last night after their team's long-predicted 8-0 thrashing of decadent capitalist Brazil.

Fifa Gives Free Publicity To Unofficial Beer

FIFA was banned from its own World Cup last night after giving millions of pounds worth of publicity to an unofficial product.