Sport

FABIO Capello has been asked to submit an empty team sheet for Euro 2012 to avoid selecting gits.

JANUARY is traditionally the month in which my friends and I assess our collections to see which pieces are surplus to requirement and arrange an auction at the Garrick.

LIVERPOOL has placed former striker Andy Carroll on the auction site Ebay with a reserve price of 99p.

PATRICE Evra has hired bodyguards to deal with loveable Liverpool rogues good-naturedly threatening to kill him.

CHELSEA fans are being investigated after several were reportedly heard making balanced, cogent points about opposition players.

NEIL Warnock has blamed critics for his dismissal, claiming they posed as opposition footballers that kept beating his team.

THE Tottenham Hotspur fan whose dream we are all part of will wake soon, blinking this universe out of existence, experts have claimed.

FOOTBALL supporters are to switch their allegiance to a team whose scumbags they have never heard of.

TRAFFIC flow on roundabouts will be switched to anti-clockwise for the duration of the Olympics, the Government has announced.

GARY Neville has spent the last 24 hours obsessively calling his voicemail and making sure his phone has full bars.