Sport

NEW Manchester United manager David Moyes has spent the last 24 hours reassuring himself that this is not going to be an unmitigated catastrophe.

BRITAIN faces the prospect of yet another unemployed, angry Scottish person at large.

NEWCASTLE have volunteered to be relegated from the Premier League, following their 6-0 defeat at home to Liverpool.

NEW goal-line technology is to be used in everyday life to create a more just world.

THE organisers of the Grand National have catapulted a horse into the side of a building to compensate for this year's lack of fatalities.

CARLISLE United has installed North Korean tactical genius Kim Jong Un as manager.

F1 BOSSES have launched an investigation after a race somehow became unfixed.

ENGLAND deliberately lost to Wales as part of a plan to boost the smaller country's morale, it has emerged.