Terry In Clumsy Attempt To Enter Security Guard

CHELSEA captain John Terry injured a Stamford Bridge security guard in what the club has described as bungled attempt to have sexual intercourse with him.

Poet Laureate Unveils Ode To Chelsea's 4-3-3 Formation

POET Laureate Carol Ann Duffy has penned a poetic tribute to Chelsea's favoured 4-3-3 formation without being asked.

US Equity Group Makes £119m Bid For Benitez's Brain

LIVERPOOL are in talks with a private equity firm over a multimillion bid for the contents of Rafael Benitez's imagination.

Cruise To Heal Beckham With Dianetic Mind Poultice

ENGLAND'S World Cup hopes were back on track last night after Tom Cruise said he could heal his friend David Beckham using nothing more than a simple Dianetic mind poultice.

Capello Sets World Cup Arrest Target

ENGLAND must finish in the top four sides arrested for lewd and uncontrollable drunkenness during this summer's World Cup, Fabio Capello said yesterday.

Wags Bug England Team Talk To Discover Where That Rash Came From

The secret recording of an England team talk was carried out by a group of WAGs desperate to discover why they are having to take antibiotics, it was claimed last night.

Ferguson Distances Himself From Thing That Does Seem To Benefit Everyone Involved

MANCHESTER United manger Sir Alex Ferguson last night rejected claims he was involved in a plan that will help millionaires become richer and shut thousands of miserable fans the fuck up.

South Africa To Send Every Football Fan £200 And An Apology

AS spending on the World Cup spirals out of control, South Africa has decided to cancel the tournament and write every supporter a cheque instead.

Carling Cup Concluded Without Sexual Incident

MANCHESTER United and Aston Villa were congratulated yesterday after the Carling Cup final ended without any of the players having sex with something.

Wimbledon Ditches Rules In Bid To Keep Munters Off Centre Court

THE All-England Tennis Club has scrapped its traditional rules in a bid to preserve centre court for pretty Russian girls with pert buttocks, instead of the ox-like munters who win most of the time.