Sport

ARSENE Wenger has said he has always admired the voluptuous curves of the phrase '3rd place'.

SCOTTISH football's premier league is to award three points for a successful bombing campaign.

LIVERPOOL fans have appealed to have their own penalty goal overturned.

WAYNE Rooney has led calls for Ryan Giggs to be knighted for devoting 20 years to not behaving like a professional footballer.

MIGHTY goalkeeper Jens Lehmann has marked his return to English football by fighting an alligator in his Gothic mansion.

BRITAIN was inconsolable last night as a 21 year-old man was forced to collect the best part of eighty grand for poking a stick around a field.

SOME footballers are loutish individuals who swear in mixed company, it has emerged.

SEBASTIAN Coe has launched the first tranche of excuses about why something in the Olympic Stadium doesn't work.

SCOTTISH football fans have insisted their bigotry begins and ends with the precise manner in which someone worships Christ.

GEOFF Boycott is to open Yorkshire's larget psychotherapy clinic, with a pledge to cure a patient every eight seconds.