Sport

TICKET prices for the Champion's League final are fresh evidence that the people who run football think the fans might be a bit stupid, it emerged last night.

LONDON'S Olympic stadium will be transformed into the nation's finest car boot sale venue after the 2012 games.

WAYNE Rooney's right foot is being studied by theologians after his overhead kick impregnated a 58 year-old woman from Guildford.

FABIO Capello declared himself ambivalent toward the display the side he would prefer not to pick gave against Denmark last night.

THE world's newest nation celebrated its birth last night with a 4-1 victory over Scotland.

FERNANDO Torres' £50m transfer fee was clearly adjusted to allow for inflation, Chelsea insisted last night.

GARY Neville has announced his retirement from his version of football to focus on growing a moustache.

I HAVE cast an eye over the transfer dealings and picked out the Mozarts from the Salieris.

FOOTBALL fans are once again choosing to ignore how the multi-million pound transfer market makes their club allegiances look stupid and pointless.

CHIPPY millionaire Andy Murray will send an IKEA Aspelund wardrobe in his place for all future Grand Slam finals.