Sport

ARSENE Wenger has conceded that his team is now unlikely to win the FA Cup final that took place almost 32 years ago.

THE next statue to be unveiled outside the Emirates Stadim will be of someone looking really bored.

FULHAM fans took one of their turns last night.

THE FA Cup third round will see an epic battle between players you have never heard of against players who were okay five years ago.

THE Sports Personality of the Year judging panel has told Britain's women athletes to stop worrying their sporty little heads.

SIR Alex Ferguson has made it clear he in no way advocates having officials who displease him disappear without trace.

EMMANUEL Adebayor will ask Harry Redknapp to tell a Togolese orphan that his wage demands are unreasonable.

ENGLAND'S rugby union squad is full of English people, according to leaked documents.

HOLYWOOD is to remake Mississippi Burning set in a variety of premier league football grounds.

NEXT year I shall be reviving the lost tradition of the Grand Tour Of Europe, with my route taking me to every town in which Lord Byron managed to impregnate a member of the local aristocracy.