Sport

MILLIONS of children are waking up this morning drenched in sweat and urine following the unveiling of the London 2012 Olympic mascots.

ENGLAND cricket fans were celebrating last night as the national side won a version of the game developed especially for children.

PLUCKY Fulham went down fighting last night as their riches to even more riches tale ended in last minute disappointment.

ENGLAND manager Fabio Capello has nominated his provisional list of 30 excuses for crashing out of the World Cup in June.

EVERYBODY in England completely failed to care yesterday as Chelsea clinched the Premier League title.

RAFAEL Benitez planned for Liverpool's future yesterday by buying a petri dish full of human DNA for £2m.

PREMIERSHIP goalkeepers have decided to fuck that for a game of soldiers after a spate of semi-fatal injuries over the weekend.

MANCHESTER United veterans Gary Neville and Paul Scholes are to spend the summer in a tent.

POP star Lady Gaga has been named as one of Wisden's cricketers of the year.

ADMINISTRATORS at Portsmouth FC are to sell off the club's FA Cup final places to the highest bidder.