Horoscopes

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) The tube strike is going to cost you money this week as there'll be nobody outside the station to menace for a cup of tea.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) On Saturday you will take a satisfying final gulp from your beer, only to see there's another unsatisfyingly small gulp left in the bottom.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) You never got a Tamagotchi but now you have an iPhone that needs charging every fifteen minutes so that's something.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) The reincarnation of Homer questions your use of the word 'epic' to describe a night out in Wetherspoons.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) This week your sausage will be too tightly rolled up. Wurst furled problems.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) The longest journey starts with a single step. And a fear that you've left the heating on.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) Everyone’s entitled to their opinion. Not you, mind. You’re a gobshite.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Your kid is the star of the school’s nativity play. Which is a step down from a shepherd, really.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Guinness loses interest in your claim that you can hold your breath for twenty minutes when you explain that’s not all in one go.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) That Mars advert where the bloke goes in goal is so unrealistic - Scott Parker in an England shirt?