Horoscopes

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) This week, why not convince people you’re not a psychopath by not committing a string of sickening, psychotic murders 50 years ago?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Findus have so far showed no interest in your bright green processed potato product called ‘HULK SMASH’.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Scientists have worked out what the atmosphere on Mars would smell like. Bad news – it’s your mum.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) This week you promise to give your boss 110%. You really are the world's shittest  accountant.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) A lot of people are rushing to judge UKIP just because of their words, actions, beliefs, members and leadership.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) After enjoying Norman Tebbit’s views on sexuality this week, you can’t wait to read Eric Pickles’s thoughts on jogging.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) If you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, you probably know the same people I do.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Money, money, money. Must be funny, in a rich man's world. Especially when they fish for tramps using fivers as bait.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Your drinking problem is brought into sharp focus this week when the local off licence offers you £5k not to move house.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) When sending back wine for being lacklustre or corked, ignore the waiter's protests that he's 'actually a priest'.