Arts & Entertainment

Only those who walked six miles to Woolworths for a tape appreciate music, say middle-aged

A TEENAGER who can access a whole brand new album without getting out of bed doesn’t really appreciate music, her parents have confirmed.

Björk and other artists who you haven't got a clue what the f**k they're singing about

THEIR music may be great, but thanks to strangulated singing and incomprehensible lyrics, f**k knows what these hugely successful artists are banging on about.

'Keep the tunes coming': six dickhead radio shout-outs

THE radio exists to provide a flow of music and inane chat when an afternoon’s dragging, until Jamie from Morecambe texts in to make it all about him.

Six gratuitously sexy music videos that are nothing more than porn for cowards

WERE you once caught watching one of these videos on your phone? Would it have been less shameful to watch actual filth?

'Do or do not, there is no try' and other bullshit movie lines morons live by

MOVIES are escapist fiction, not a solid basis for your life philosophy, yet halfwits have taken dumb lines of dialogue to heart.

No-one watching Jamie's One-Pan Wonders actually going to cook any of this

NO-ONE  watching Jamie Oliver's new cooking show is actually concentrating on the recipe in order to repeat it at home, viewers have confirmed.

Married At First Sight, and other reality TV shows that clearly just want the best for people

REALITY TV? Exploitative? What sort of monster would unwind by watching others suffer? These shows only want the best for their stars.

The top 10 controversial songs no one gives a toss about anymore

REMEMBER when ‘controversial’ songs caused a tabloid storm and important people like Radio 1 DJ Mike Read had an aneurysm? Here are some that seem distinctly tame now.

Queen's final act of service was making Phil and Holly look like tits

THE last selfless deed Queen Elizabeth did for Britain was to create the queue that Holly and Phil have been eviscerated for jumping, royal experts have confirmed.

Rita Ora and other singers who have brutally murdered innocent songs

GOOD cover versions are classics in their own right, or there are these travesties that make even the originals unlistenable.