Business

A MAN decades younger than you who has already achieved more than you ever will can go and f**k himself, older generations have agreed.

THE Post Office has announced that counterfeit stamps, heavy rain and the Arctic Monkeys’ recent loungecore albums are all postmasters’ fault.

THAMES Water is just as full as shit as the river it is named after and is responsible for pumping human excrement into, analysts have advised.

‘BECAUSE we value our customers, we are continuing to charge the full price for a service that is far worse than advertised,’ say businesses, and the f**kers get away with it.

BUSINESSES displaying ‘Dogs Welcome!’ signs have clarified that they only mean nice, well-behaved and well-groomed middle-class dogs whose owners spend money.

WATER companies have told customers they can either pay higher bills or start enjoying excrement coming out of their taps.

£75m of Baroness Mone’s assets have been frozen. These are just a few of them.