International

THE DUP is to get £1bn of taxpayers money to spend on very large paintings of fat men in bowler hats and orange sashes.

ALL of David Davis’ Brexit talks have been with a random Belgian man he mistook for EU negotiator Michel Barnier, it has emerged.

EU CITIZENS have been told if they can manage five consecutive years in the twat factory that is Britain, they can stay for life.

DAVID Davis has told a room full of people who can speak German that if it was not for Britain they would all be speaking German.

ENGLAND has been surprised to learn that not everyone in Scotland is a foul-mouthed manual worker on the minimum wage.

DAVID Davis was forced to surrender his trousers during the first day of Brexit talks, it has been confirmed.

JEAN Claude Juncker has opened Brexit negotiations with the UK by chuckling away like an easily amused child.

MONDAY’S talks with the EU will go ahead without British involvement because what could be more Brexit, the government has confirmed.

BRITAIN has withdrawn Donald Trump's invitation to visit and never really wanted him to come in the first place.

SCOTLAND will probably have another independence referendum because of its high percentage of difficult bastards, it has emerged.