International

CHINA'S plans for world domination now include the relentless purchase of all physical assets, your total, crushing enslavement and having a sneaky peek at your email account.

DENMARK may as well have kicked your lovely old grandmother right in the teeth, it emerged last night.

PRESIDENT Obama last night thanked the Queen for laying on the sort of ceremonial bullshit that harks back to the empire that crushed his beautiful African ancestors.

THE International Monetary Fund has promised Ken Clarke it will definitely give him a call about the vacant chief executive's position.

PAKISTAN last night pointed at the sky and screamed in a pathetic attempt to distract the world from its nauseatingly transparent guilt.

POLITICIANS in Syria have sobbingly asked William Hague if he can just give them a second chance.

THE big nuclear thing in Japan finally made sense today after some people said it was now the same number as something you have heard of.

IF Britain is in the mood for apologising for things it should really add America to its list, it was claimed last night.

THE United Nations last night had its fingers crossed that the Libyan rebels it has just backed are not stark, raving lunatics.

LIBYAN leader Colonel Gaddafi has been offered sanctuary by the internet's legion of keyboard warriors.