Lifestyle

THE thoughtful parents of a teenage boy have gifted him a brand new pair of socks to masturbate into this Christmas.

A TEENAGE boy is painfully desperate to escape the clutches of his caring, providing parents to see his shithead mates.

A MOTHER with an overly affectionate relationship with the family dog has presented everyone with gifts purportedly from him.

TRAGICALLY, I’m not in London for Christmas. Disappointing, but I’m duty-bound to visit my parents in their dreary village where there aren’t vibrant, characterful neighbours screaming at 2am.

A FAMILY with a low tolerance for nonsense is already packing up the Christmas tree and associated decorations.

THERE’S nothing worse than minding your own business in a shop and an assistant having the audacity to engage with you. Here’s how to deter them effectively.

A WOMAN is devastated about the untimely passing of the only pair of jeans that she has ever truly loved.

AN entrepreneurial middle-class couple have turned the gingerbread house they built with their children into an investment opportunity.

A FAMILY who gave in and put the central heating on are horrified to find their house remains too cold for habitation.

OH how you used to laugh at the outdated ways old people kept warm. But now, as the cold snap bites, you realise they were right about these methods.