Lifestyle

MOVIES believe that being a teenager is romance, rebellion and rites of passage, forgetting that it’s mostly time pissed away on this crap.

ARE you a single man living out his years in grim solitude? Here are five tiny victories that come with being left on the shelf.

THE so-called 'day of rest' is actually the day of tedious chores, including these five tasks that make you yearn for the punishment of the daily grind.

HAVING a child famously costs an absolute packet. Here are five eye-wateringly expensive purchases the ungrateful little shit won’t ever know you made.

KNOW someone who thinks spring is here because they’ve seen one snowdrop? They’re probably excited about all this nonsense too:

COLLECTING useless tat in the delusion that it will be worth a fortune one day? You’d have been better investing in a nightly takeaway than this crap.

A WOMAN who recently became pregnant is the first woman ever to have experienced the magic of conception, friends have confirmed.

YOU used to have enough energy to get out of bed without giving a weird grunt. Here are some other involuntary noises you make when you reach middle age.

FANCY being a professional Northerner to get attention and respect? There’s a strict Northern code of conduct you must adhere to. See if you can pass our test.

I WAS fed up of the rat race, the dreary commute, living in the armpits of sweaty businessmen on the 7.15 train, the tired cliche of unfriendly strangers rushing by without time to say ‘Hello’.