Relationships

AN evening with a giggly couple who are ridiculously into each other is horrific and sickening. Here’s the sort of crap you can expect from these freaks.

PASSIONATE lovemaking often leaves time for your mind to wander, and to worry about these random and unrelated concerns.

A BOYFRIEND is embarking on his fourth day of performing cunnilingus on a partner who believes she is almost there.

PROPOSING? Why not maximise the humiliation of rejection by asking for her hand in marriage in these locations?

THEIR bedroom was big enough for a settee. Yours was barely big enough for a bed. For that reason, and these, they will never be forgiven.

THINKING of making idle chat? Be careful. If you use any of these phrases, you might inadvertently be asking someone if they’d like to have sex.

YES, I’ve gone up to £14.73, but something else has changed. We used to be so happy together - practically inseparable. Now you’re so distant, and I can’t understand why.

HAS your boyfriend started talking oddly after spending too long on Reddit talking to male arseholes? If he uses these terms, it may be time for a relationship rethink.

NOT having much luck finding love? Here are some brutal dating tips to help you at least get a perfunctory shag.

A WOMAN has introduced an annual performance review for her husband and children, noting that in most areas they are ranked as requiring urgent action for improvement.