Science & Technology

BUS drivers have confirmed that the advent of contactless payment means they are frantically brainstorming new ways to be total arseholes.

A MAN who sees his parents trying to turn on the TV using every remote control in the house is having thoughts of killing them with his bare hands.

A WOMAN is trying to write an email without using exclamation marks but also without coming across as a totally mardy bitch.

SCIENTISTS have confirmed a link between a blob of delicious ice cream on a floor and a small child that has gone completely mental.

A PHONE that was not charged properly now plans to be a real pain in the arse by looking as if it will run out of battery at any moment.

THE free internet connection in airports, shopping centres and cafes is worth a negative amount of money, experts have confirmed.

BRITAIN has demanded scientists come up with something like vaping, where nicotine can be enjoyed safely and conveniently at any time, but for alcohol.

PEOPLE who put nauseating statements about their partners on Instagram and Facebook have been told to desist.

ARE YOU reading because you enjoy the complex interplay of stimulating thoughts that a good book offers, or has your phone battery died?

ALMOST 99 per cent of what children say is complete and utter bollocks, it has emerged.