Society

Riots caused by society or lazy, thieving pricks, say experts

THE London riots are the inevitable consequence of a society that includes some arseholes who like to steal things instead of working, experts claimed last night.

Middle class to take looting lessons

THOUSANDS of middle class people worried about job security have signed up for a two week course in looting.

Buildings with more than eight books to become universities

CHANGES to the higher education system will turn the majority of British homes into a degree-granting university, it has been confirmed.

Gadget addiction stops children from being annoying

CHILDRENS' constant use of screen-based technology is making them much less of a pain in the arse, it has emerged.

Survey reveals most British people should be executed

THE majority of British adults should be killed by the government, according to a new survey.

Universities compete for best students with promise of first sexual encounter

EXCEPTIONAL students will be offered a guaranteed loss of virginity by universities vying to recruit them, it has emerged.

Picnics even shitter than barbecues

TRANSPORTING food into a field to eat it is a worthless endeavour, it has been confirmed.

Every copy of the News of the World 'contained tiny microphone'

EVERY copy of the News of the World printed since 1999 contained a tiny, hidden microphone, it has emerged.

Western culture still very much there, say experts

LIBERAL western culture does not seem to have noticed it is under dire threat, experts have confirmed.

Are we doing enough to halt the rise of complete and utter psychopaths?

QUESTIONS were being asked across Europe last night if enough is being done to stem the rising tide of total insanity.