Society

THE Church of England has announced that its new core purpose is running 'laser tag' games.

ENGLISH pubs will become the worst places in the world later today, it has been claimed.

BRITAIN has been warned to wind down its jubilee partying, with many celebrants now having been seven nights without sleep.

MEMBERS of the royal family are gutted to be back at their desks after a four-day break, it has emerged.

MILLIONS of Britons turned out for the Queen's four-day celebrations, undaunted by the 500-foot mutant squid that was destroying London.

SUPERMARKETS have been flooded by Britons worried they might run out of food and die over the Bank Holiday weekend.

WOO, the Queen yay woo, according to lots of people.

A BIG tin of biscuits bearing a stirringly patriotic design will be opened by the public in less than 72 hours.

SURGEONS are working to free Take That toady Gary Barlow after he became wedged inside the Queen.

AN unemployed man is scamming the taxpayer out of £67.50 a week, it has emerged.