Society

WAYNE Rooney may not return from his UEFA hearing today amid fears he will be kept in quarantine for six months.

PARENTS last night asked schools if there was any chance they could, for the love of God, just teach their children.

WOMEN are being advised to prepare for the aftermath of having sex with someone they hate.

RUMOURS of a Happy Mondays reunion have been quashed after it was revealed to be a group of heroin addicts near some swings.

THE August riots were provoked by the people who were nowhere to be seen for the first two days, a study has found.

EXPECTANT mothers frequenting high street coffee shops risk passing on Italian traits to their unborn children, it has been claimed.

THE BBC has issued an apology after comments by Jeremy Clarkson made it possible for Piers Morgan to appear relatively human.

RESEARCHERS into the phenomenon of tiny dog ownership have been unable to fathom why you would want one of those things in your house.

THE tidal wave of woe sweeping the UK is such that ordinary, sane adults are actually quite looking forward to Christmas.

BRITAIN was trapped in a 'death spiral' of infinite complaints last night.