Society

THE victories of British rowers at Eton's rowing centre has convinced the college's largely disaffected pupils that they too can make a success of themselves.

THE New Year’s Honours ceremony will be held in London’s O2 Arena to handle the sheer volume of recipients, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.

IN a bid to ensure international visitors don't outstay their welcome, the Olympics closing ceremony will feature the fighting and vomiting aspects of the UK.

BRITAIN’S feeling of upbeat confidence will have been completely obliterated by lunchtime, it has been claimed.

LONDON'S daredevil mayor and Jeremy Hunt are to team up as the world’s least effective superhero duo, following public demonstrations of their respective superpowers.

EVERYTHING in Britain is now unbearably amazing.

THE government plans to bulldoze Newcastle while the nation's attention is on the opening of the Olympic Games.

GEORGE Osborne's plans to ransom the 80,000 spectators to the Olympics opening ceremony have been leaked.

SCOTTISH people will soon be able to marry their favourite high calorie snack.

INJUNCTION proceedings forcing border staff into work on Thursday will ensure the gruffest possible welcome for Olympic tourists, it has been claimed.