46 Year-Old Man Sells Virginity In Local Freesheet

A QUIET, middle-aged science fiction and traction engine enthusiast has advertised his virginity for £6 or nearest offer.

New fathers reluctant to spend time with constantly screeching bag of shit

NEW fathers are failing to use their legal entitlement to paternity leave because they do not want to spend all day with a noisy shit fountain, according to new research.

Gay Bike Will Help Children Learn To Fight

THE Gaytrack 400, the gayest-looking boys' bike ever, will help children to gain valuable self-defence skills, the manufactuers have claimed.

Children Should Be Educated, Say Experts

BRITISH children should be taught things by trained professionals in some sort of large building, according to a major new report.

Carter-Ruck To Sue Everyone

LAW firm Carter-Ruck is to send you a letter telling you to shut it right now or they will have your house.

Being Mental Now A Career Option

THE government is to pay the unemployed to hang around shopping centres pretending to be clinically insane, it emerged last night.

Tories To Raise Mildly Racist, Caravan-Owning Bastard Age

THE Tories have pledged to raise the age at which you suddenly turn into a racist caravan owner who is unable to drive faster than 38mph in a 60mph zone.

Half A Million Benefit Cheats Throw Themselves Down The Stairs

A CONSERVATIVE plan to cut the number of people on incapacity benefit was in tatters today as 500,000 people threw themselves down a staircase.

Should Britain's Ethnic Minorities Have Their Own TV Dance Contests?

THERE were renewed calls last night for Britain's ethnic minorities to have their own celebrity dancing competitions.

Violent Criminals Blame Chewits

SOME of Britain's most violent crimes have been caused by Chewits, according to a new study.