Gypsies Handed £5m To Get On Daily Mail Readers' Tits

BRITAIN'S Romany gypsies have been given a £5 million grant to do whatever they want as long as it infuriates the shit out of Daily Mail readers.

Raffles Appalled

ARTHUR Raffles, the gentleman thief, last night launched a withering attack on the two men who raided a London jewellers, describing them as 'cads, ruffians and brutish ne'er-do-wells'.

Opinions About House Prices Bounce Back

THE number of people with something to say about house prices rose by 15% in July, according to a report by the Institute of Chartered House Price Opinion Surveyors.

New Figures Show Slight Increase In Demand For Stupid, Pointless Shit

BRITAIN could soon return to borrowing money from institutional loan sharks so it can buy shiny things to distract it from its desolate, meaningless existence, economists said last night.

Clarkson To Host Arts Programme For Stupid Men

TOP Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson is to host a new BBC fine arts show called That's Bollocks.

Entire UK Population Fails Citizenship Test

NO-ONE in the UK has passed the government's tough new citizenship test, with 85% of the country claiming that Winston Churchill is an artificial dog.

Charity Believes Everything Teenagers Say

A CHARITY set up to protect teenagers from bullying cannot tell when it is being lied to, it emerged last night.

Young Unemployed To Be Trained As Daytime TV Monitors

GRADUATES and school leavers are to be paid to monitor television between the hours of Trisha and Home & Away in a government bid to cut unemployment.

Dinner Party Craze For Premium Strength Lager

A NEW range of boutique 18% lagers are becoming the drink of choice for sophisticated urban professionals who really like a fight.

Scarface To Be Tolerated

MANIAC drug dealer Tony 'Scarface' Montana today welcomed moves to tolerate his murderous insanity.