Drivers Urged To Panic

DRIVERS were last night urged to go apeshit crazy, as everything went tits up.

Most British Children Now Demons

MORE than half of all British children are demons whose souls have been devoured by Satan, according to a new study.

Britain Now Entertained By Absolutely Anything

BRITAIN is now easier to entertain than a two month-old baby or a chimpanzee, it was confirmed last night.

'Emo' Kids Urged To Take Up Swingball

TEENAGERS in the grip of the 'emo' suicide cult have been urged to spend more time in the garden playing swingball.

Undiagnosed Dementia Leads To Daily Mail, Say Experts

RISING numbers of undiagnosed dementia sufferers has led to the Daily Mail, new research suggests.

Winehouse Joins Ranks Of Great Literary Drug Addicts

SINGER-songwriter Amy Winehouse has taken her place in the pantheon of literature's greatest drug abusers.

Punters Pay Thousands To Throw Bishop From A Plane

CHARITIES are looking forward to a cash bonanza today as people all over Britain pay to throw a bishop out of a plane.

Government To Examine Everyone’s Stools

EVERYONE will have to defecate into a bucket and present their stools for examination under government plans for a database of every bowel movement in Britain. 

We Just Want Closure, Says Family Of Murdered Coconut

THE family of a murdered coconut last night urged the police to do everything in their power to catch their son's killer.

Girly Crime Up By 50%

GIRLY crime was up by more than 50% last year, including a sharp rise in thefts of those darling little Mini Cooper convertibles.