Commuters Forced To Make Contingency Plans Involving Wine

THE proposed four day national rail strike will force millions of commuters across Britain to make alternative arrangements involving a load of wine, it emerged last night.

Electric Collars Work, Say Call Centre Managers

EMPLOYERS say they are experiencing positive results after fitting their workers with shock-inducing electric collars.

Cider Drinkers Too Arseholed To Give A Monkey'S

BRITAIN'S cider drinkers last night greeted the Budget with a glazed expression and a wide, peaceful grin before collapsing into a hedge.

Doctors Demand Concentration Camps For The Poor

DOCTORS have proposed a network of concentration camps to contain Britain's ghastly poor people.

Men Puzzled By Debate Over Bouncy Girls

MEN across Britain continue to be puzzled by the debate over the pros and cons of bouncy girls, it emerged last night.

B&bs Forced To Offer Gay Breakfast

BRITAIN'S B&Bs could soon be prosecuted for discrimination unless they offer customers the choice of a gay cooked breakfast.

Most people have no idea what their job is

THE majority of the UK workforce do not really know what they are supposed to be doing while they are at the office, according to new research.

A Child's Guide To Modern Britain

RUB a dub dub, three men in a tub - Which is a perfectly normal domestic arrangement and exactly the same as a mummy and daddy who are married.

One In Five Descended From Bastard Children Of Scullery Maids

MILLIONS of Britons are descended from the bastard offspring of aristocrat-defiled domestic drudges, it was claimed yesterday.

Balls Condemns Expert For Knowing Stuff

ED Balls has condemned children's commissioner Dr Maggie Atkinson for using her years of professional experience in forming an opinion.