Record Numbers In Denial About British Seaside

THOUSANDS of recession-hit holidaymakers are planning to ignore the rain, used condoms and one-eyed donkeys this summer in a desperate attempt to enjoy the great British seaside.

Working Class Lottery Money To Be Invested In Kerry Katona

THE National Lottery can do more to benefit its predominantly working-class players by giving lots of money to Kerry Katona, ministers said yesterday.

Parents To Get Buck-Passing Charter

PARENTS are to be given the right to make a formal complaint about the fact they are raising a little shit.

Road Tax Spent On Moats

MOTORING taxes may have been used to fund non-transport related expenditure such as great big moats, according to a new report.

Eight Million Children Taken Into Care

NEW NHS guidelines warning that dirty, smelly youngsters may be victims of abuse have led to almost eight million children being taken into care, it emerged last night.

Church Offers Voodoo Water Ceremony To Protect Your Bastards From Satan

IN a bold, modernising step the Church of England is to offer couples a voodoo water ceremony to protect their bastard offspring from the horned one.

Report Proposes Royal College Of Mouthy, Teenage Skanks

MOUTHY teenage skanks who think they are better than you should be awarded full professional recognition, according to a major new report.

Neighbours Agree Never To Talk To Each Other Again

MILLIONS of people across Britain met their neighbours for the first time yesterday and immediately decided never to talk to them again.

Stop Producing MPs, Private Schools Warned

PRIVATE schools could lose their charitable status if they keep producing members of parliament, it emerged last night.

Ageing Population Will Have To Take Tea As It Comes

AN ageing population means that old people may lose the right to pick holes in any cup of tea they haven't made themselves, according to new research.