90% Of Children Prefer Terrifying Amounts Of Skunk

NINE out 10 children never want to smoke cigarettes, preferring the spiralling high of hydroponically grown skunk, according to a new survey.

Rural Folk Turn To Porn Pigeons

PEOPLE in rural areas with poor internet access are receiving their pictures of vaginas by courier pigeon.

Everyone Now Assuming You're A Kiddie-Fiddler

YOU look like you might be one of them dirty, horrid kiddie-fiddlers, it was confirmed last night.

Scientists Recommend Massive Arguments

BLAZING, expletive-filled rows, resulting in one partner sleeping on the couch are good for your health, it was claimed last night.

Beatles Video Game Brings Cutting-Edge Technology To Mid-Life Crisis

A CONSOLE game based on the Beatles is heralding a new wave in interactive mid-life crises for balding, insecure GQ readers, it was claimed last night.

Job Ads To Encourage Lazy British Imbeciles

EMPLOYERS will have to advertise jobs to idle British morons for at least a month before they can be offered overseas, it was confirmed last night.

UK Motorists Forced To Drive Straight Down The Middle Of The Road

EUROPEAN regulations could force British motorists to drive straight down the middle of the road while honking their horns continually, it was claimed last night.

Fat Girls Having Best Day Ever

FAT girls are having the best day ever after a scientist said all the skinny girls were going to die first.

Teenagers 'Did Not Want To Blow-Up School'

TWO pupils at a Manchester school have not been planning to blow it up, a court heard yesterday.

Prison Nicer Than Hospital Apart From All The Sodomy, Say Experts

PRISON life is preferable to hospital apart from the persistent knife-point sodomy and being shanked for an ounce of tobacco, according to a major new report.