Birmingham Is Ghastly, Says Travel Writer Who’s Been There

THE city of Birmingham and its inhabitants are so ugly they make your eyes boil, a travel writer who has actually been there said last night.

Britain's Poor People Now Beyond The Pale

BRITAIN'S poor people have plumbed new depths of sheer, unbridled ghastliness, according to a new report.

Exotic Japanese Girlfriend Wants Vauxhall Zafira

AROUND 63% of exotic Japanese girlfriends wear old socks in bed and insist their boyfriends buy a Vauxhall Zafira or Ford Focus C-Max, new research shows. 

Richard Branson Dies Laughing

TRIBUTES are being paid to Sir Richard Branson this morning after the Virgin Atlantic boss died of laughter.

Ministers Defend Treatment Of Worthless Foreign Scroungers

THE government has rejected claims that Britain mistreats the thousands of whining, dishonest foreigners who wash up on our shores every year like so much rubbish.

Sharp Rise In Numbers Talking Absolute Shit

THE number of people talking absolute shit has risen for the tenth year in a row and is now at its highest since records began. 

'Oh My God! What The Fuck Is That!' Says Brown

PRIME minister Gordon Brown yesterday unveiled the government's annual list of Utterly Terrifying Things.

Sainthood For Woman Who Put Chocolate On Hobnobs

THE Pope is being urged to confer sainthood on the Scottish biscuit maker who first had the idea of putting chocolate on a HobNob.

Religious Belief Makes You Smile Like A Psycho Killer, Say Experts

PEOPLE with strong religious beliefs are more likely to smile at you like some kind of unhinged, homicidal maniac, according to a new study.

Monocle Grease And Penny Farthing Oil Removed From Inflation Basket

TYPICAL household goods including monocle grease and penny farthing oil have been removed from the basket of items used to measure inflation.