Billy Joel To Write Song About Greedy Engaged Couples

JOHN Lewis has commissioned Billy Joel to write a beautiful, poignant song about engaged couples and their wedding lists.

Tax Hit Middle Class Threatens Widespread Passive-Aggression

BRITAIN'S middle classes are threatening all-out passive-aggression if the government raises tax on all the nice things they like.

Farmers Using Facebook To Pretend They Have Pointless Office Jobs

THOUSANDS of farmers are using Facebook to play a game where they pretend to work in an office and spend all day doing nothing and talking out of their arse.


OH shit, there's a fucking bee in here, it was confirmed last night.

Men under increasing pressure to look vaguely presentable

IMAGES of male beauty in the media are forcing men to make a grudging effort to look half-decent.

Toddlers Banned From Eating Each Other

NURSERY school children will no longer be allowed to bite chunks out of each under new rules introduced today.

First-Time Buyers Still Pathetic

YOUNG would-be homebuyers are still clinging to their nauseatingly rose-tinted hopes and dreams, it was claimed last night.

National Trust Revamps Historic Dogging Site

THE UK's oldest dogging site has been re-opened by the National Trust, with interactive stranger sex displays and cakes.

80% Of Britons Name Television In Their Will

FOUR out of five people in Britain have named their hire-purchase widescreen television in their will, according to a new study.

Britain Passes Point Of No Return As Importance Attached To Cowell Opinion

BRITAIN finally hurtled beyond the point of no return last night as the political opinions of Simon Cowell were regarded as important.