British Public In Depressingly Incoherent Outburst

PUBLIC outrage at the treatment of Andrew Sachs boiled over last night as Britain reached a new peak of furious incoherence.

Hard-Up Britain Wastes Money On Cheaper Rubbish

BRITAIN is reining in its spending by wasting money on cheaper crap. 

Media Add The Word 'Gate' To The Word 'Yacht'

NEWSPAPER editors broke dangerous new ground last night by adding the word 'gate' to the word 'yacht'.

Smokey Chases Bandit Through Swindon

SWINDON was in chaos yesterday as local police chased an American sports car driver through the town centre at high speed.

Britain As Insanely Violent As You Thought It Was

BRITAIN is every bit as violent and terrifying as you thought it was, the government confirmed last night.

Children To Be Taught Why Women Are Out Of Their Minds

SCHOOLCHILDREN across England are to get compulsory lessons on why women are insane.

Gap Narrows Between Poor People And Chickens

THE gap between poor people and chickens is at its narrowest since 1945, according to a major international report.

Blaspheming Buses Will Burn In Hell, Say Christians

BUSES which carry adverts doubting the existence of God are risking their eternal souls, Christian campaigners said last night.

Scouts To Get Badge For Playing The Biscuit Game

THE Scout Association is to formalise sexual education by awarding a badge for playing the biscuit game.

Billy Bragg, Warn Economists

WITH unemployment expected to reach three million by the end of next year, economists were last night warning of Billy Bragg.