THE unemployed are to be relocated to a magical land full of talking animals and cute, furry jobs, the government has confirmed.
PEOPLE will be expected to work for a minimum of five years as a zombie under new government plans to raise the retirement age.
THOUSANDS of children across the UK have told their parents to buy them a bionic cat, or upgrade their existing cat to bionic status.
EDUCATION spending cuts will be managed by sending the dimmest quarter of pupils home to spend more time with their chew toys.
MILLIONS of grandmothers across England are expected to pass away some time tomorrow morning, it has been confirmed.
AS the summer festival season gets under way, organisers have warned against using ecstasy, cocaine and skunk that does not carry the logo of an official sponsor.
WEST Midlands Police have withdrawn a CCTV scheme after admitting they can no longer just sit there, staring at Birmingham.
BLIND people across Britain were bumping into things today after thousands of guide dogs deserted their posts.
THE prime minister has praised Britain's homosexual subcultures as 'the best in the world'.