Unemployed Told To Climb Down Rabbit Hole To Magical Land Of Jobs

THE unemployed are to be relocated to a magical land full of talking animals and cute, furry jobs, the government has confirmed.

Retirement Age Raised To Five Years After You Die

PEOPLE will be expected to work for a minimum of five years as a zombie under new government plans to raise the retirement age.

Children Demand Bionic Cats

THOUSANDS of children across the UK have told their parents to buy them a bionic cat, or upgrade their existing cat to bionic status.

Schools To Send The Thickest 25% Home

EDUCATION spending cuts will be managed by sending the dimmest quarter of pupils home to spend more time with their chew toys.

Everyone's Gran To Die On Wednesday Morning

MILLIONS of grandmothers across England are expected to pass away some time tomorrow morning, it has been confirmed.

Festival-Goers Warned Over Non-Corporate Sponsored Drugs

AS the summer festival season gets under way, organisers have warned against using ecstasy, cocaine and skunk that does not carry the logo of an official sponsor.

Police Can't Stand Another Minute Of Birmingham

WEST Midlands Police have withdrawn a CCTV scheme after admitting they can no longer just sit there, staring at Birmingham.

You're On Your Own, Say Guide Dogs

BLIND people across Britain were bumping into things today after thousands of guide dogs deserted their posts.

Cameron Praises Britain's Gay Subcultures

THE prime minister has praised Britain's homosexual subcultures as 'the best in the world'.

Karen Matthews Breeding 'Unforeseeable', Say Social Services

NOBODY could have reasonably predicted that somebody would want to have sex with Karen Matthews, according to a new report.