Britain gets the stupid Christmas advice it deserves

GOVERNMENT guidelines on Christmas safety in the home are every bit as obvious as they need to be, it has been confirmed.

Britain Mugged By Good Samaritan

THE good Samaritan who has offered to pay for your physiotherapy is the same man who mugged you in the first place, it was claimed last night.

No-One To Blame For Stockwell Tube Station Poster

NO-ONE should be blamed for an insensitive film poster displayed at Stockwell Underground station, watchdogs said last night.

Everything Now A Huge Lie

EVERYTHING you have ever been told is a colossal lie and the global economy is a $100 trillion fraud, it was confirmed last night.

Government Does Not Understand Us, Say Long-Term Unemployed

LONG-term unemployed people attacked the government last night, saying it obviously has no idea what makes them tick.

Film to show man going to the toilet

THE exact moment a man goes to the toilet is to be shown on television.

School Subjects To Be Dicked About With

BRITAIN'S primary school curriculum is to be radically reformed after ministers realised they hadn't dicked about with it for at least a year.

Britain To Take Two Years Off

BRITAIN is to take the next two years off to go travelling and focus on its hobbies.

Benefit Cheats Very Good At Lying, Warn Experts

BENEFIT cheats are accomplished liars who would relish the challenge of a polygraph test, experts warned last night.

Free Sex Marginally Better Than Pizza Hut

HAVING free sex with your wife is now slightly better value than Pizza Hut, according to a new survey.