Society

UNPAID workers at the Olympic site will be given surface-to-air weapons and asked to look out for anything suspicious, it has been confirmed.

MALE buyers of slip-on plastic shoes will be offered the chance to have their genitals removed at no extra charge, it has emerged.

A BULL has claimed that its species is being victimised for having testicles much larger than those of humans.

THE unemployed are to be forced 'off their backsides' by having their buttocks cut off, it has emerged.

DAVID Cameron has declared the collective misery of the nation after Andrew Murray’s defeat to be absolutely delicious.

THE metaphorical 'property ladder' is to be replaced next month by a rickety and unstable 'property rope bridge', spanning a yawning property chasm filled with property crocodiles.

THE axing of five British army battalions will create hundreds of movie-style vigilantes ready to fight crime by their own rules, the government has claimed.

THE arrival of a ping pong table at a Tottenham youth club has prevented another summer of urban riots, it has emerged.

BRITAIN will drag itself out of recession by conducting public inquiries for cash, say economists.

IN a radical overhaul of how the monarchy is funded, members of the royal family will be asked to attend a job centre every other week.