More People Bringing Vuvuzelas To The Office

THE World Cup has seen a sharp rise in the number of people bringing their vuvuzelas to work with them.

Hard-Up Public Sector Pensioners 'Will Sing U2 Songs In Tube Stations'

A CUT in public sector pensions will lead to lots of decrepit leftists singing U2 songs in tube stations to make ends meet, it was warned last night.

Junior Apprentice Urged To Get Some Cider And A Copy Of 'Porky'S' Before It's Too Late

THE 17 year-old winner of The Junior Apprentice has been urged to grab a two litre bottle of cider and a copy of Porky's, the 1980s high school romp, before he turns into an irretrievable tosspot.

We're too busy to take a break, say arseholes who aren't really

OVER half of Britain's office workers are tedious sods playing the martyr to make everyone else look bad.

Pregnant Women To Be Labelled

EXPECTANT women are to be labelled to avoid embarrassing confusion with the fat ones, it has been confirmed.

UK To Cut Immigrant Numbers By Teaching Them To Read The Daily Mail

THE government is to cut the number of immigrants applying for UK citizenship by teaching them how to read the Daily Mail, it has been confirmed.

Fat Boys To Be Sent On Outward Bound Porn Hunt

TEENAGE boys are increasingly overweight because they no longer need to go outside to find explicit pornography, according to new research.

Out Of Date iPhone Users Forced To Sit At Back Of Bus

PEOPLE who own the out of date iPhone will be forced to sit at the back of the bus, it emerged last night.

Bastards Thinking Of New Names For Your Fat Bits

THE bastard inventors of 'moobs' are working on names for your other fat bits, it has been confirmed.

Office Workers Finally Switch To Crack

AN IMMUNITY to caffeine has led to a growing number of office workers switching to crack, according to new research.