Call For Increase In Gap-Toothed Inbreds

THE number of babies created from the sperm of a single donor should be increased to boost Britain's quota of gap-toothed inbreds, experts have claimed.

Somebody sells a house

THE British economy turned a corner last night after somebody sold a house.

22% Who Trust Politicians To Be Deported

THE 22% of Britons who trust politicians should be deported, it was claimed last night.

Alcohol To Be Restricted To Nice People With Degrees

ALCOHOL should only be available to nice people who know which wine goes best with fish, according to MPs.

Under Fives Not Taking Your Shit Any More

BRITAIN'S under fives are just not taking this shit any more, the National Union of Teachers has warned.

White Guys To Be Taken Out For A Pint

WHITE guys are to be taken to the pub this weekend and told they are good at things too.

Britain Now At Its Most Outraged Since 1747

BRITAIN is now more appalled and outraged than at any point in the last 260 years, it has been confirmed.

Brown Sells You To Some Arab Gentlemen

PRIME minister Gordon Brown returned to the UK last night after successfully negotiating the purchase of you by some Arabs.

Data Stick Makes It As Far As Pub

THE government claimed a major victory for data security last night after a memory stick containing highly-sensitive details made it as far as the pub.

Latest National Mood To Be Unveiled

SOME of the biggest names in Britain will gather in central London today for the unveiling of the new national mood.