Parents Fury At 'Sex Marbles'

A PARENTS' group has launched an anti-marble campaign after discovering the seemingly innocent glass balls signify sordid teenage sex acts.

Cats 'loose' in Britain

SIGHTINGS of small carnivorous cats, often with tabby or ginger fur, are on the increase, it was claimed last night.

Twatphone Tops Twat List

THE Apple TwatPhone has topped the list of items owned by twats, it has been confirmed.

Children Should Be Raised In The 1950s, Say Experts

BRITISH children will be much healthier as soon as they start being raised in the 1950s, according to a new study.

Ban On Unregistered Lawnmower Borrowing

NEIGHBOURS who borrow each other's gardening equipment will have to be registered with the National Lawnmower Sharing Agency, it emerged last night.

Afghan Refugees Want To Live In A Country That Complains About Alesha Dixon

AFGHAN refugees camped on the outskirts of Calais were today being urged to explain why they want to come to a country where people complain about the quality of the judges on a celebrity dancing show.

Most Men Wishing They Were A 15 Year-Old Schoolgirl

MILLIONS of British men last night admitted they would give anything to be a 15 year-old pupil at an all-girls private school.

Millions Of Couples Given Green Light To Kill Each Other

THE director of public prosecutions will this week unveil new guidelines that will make it easier for couples to plot each other's deaths.

TUC Backs Workplace Tit Ban

BRITAIN'S trade unions have called for a ban on workplace tits, claiming they are demeaning to women and could block fire exits.

Skank Gene Isolated

TEENAGE girls who have sex before they are old enough to have a library card are a victim of their DNA, it was claimed last night.