Society

PARENTS across Britain are to capture Michael Gove in a big net and then beat him with a sock full of pennies.

BRITAIN was today enjoying the sight of the bitch in their office sweating like a filthy pig on heat.

MANCHESTER has become a self-sufficient vortex of annihilation, scientists have confirmed.

SECTARIAN rioting in Northern Ireland is still far too much fun for all concerned, it was claimed last night.

MILLIONS of Britons are facing financial ruin because their friends keep getting married in distant, expensive places they have only visited once.

PEOPLE across Britain are today asking themselves 'Am I more German than Hitler?'.

GAY people can become Church of England bishops if they promise to just think about boisterous anal sex with a greasy plumber.

A LOUD chorus of tut-tutting will sort out Britain's scumbags, it was confirmed last night.

HEADMASTERS of failing primary schools are to be quizzed on what is so difficult about three-piece jigsaws.

CUNNING socialist Bob Crow has successfully completed a daring reconnaisance mission at an exclusive capitalist restaurant.