Society

EXCEPTIONAL students will be offered a guaranteed loss of virginity by universities vying to recruit them, it has emerged.

TRANSPORTING food into a field to eat it is a worthless endeavour, it has been confirmed.      

EVERY copy of the News of the World printed since 1999 contained a tiny, hidden microphone, it has emerged.

LIBERAL western culture does not seem to have noticed it is under dire threat, experts have confirmed.

QUESTIONS were being asked across Europe last night if enough is being done to stem the rising tide of total insanity.

BRITAIN'S disgust with tabloid journalism was suspended yesterday in honour of Amy Winehouse.

THE Guardian last night told David Cameron that they really thought he would have resigned by now.

BRITAIN last night backed Rebekah Brooks and agreed that this is all the fault of George Osborne.

THE Daily Mail has only ever hacked into the voices inside Paul Dacre's head, the paper's editor confirmed yesterday.

BRITAIN spent last night staring at the ceiling with its duvet clutched tightly under its chin.