Society

NEUROTIC cleaning obsessives have infiltrated the post-riot clean-up campaign, it was claimed last night.

SOCIAL networks will be confined to discussions about decency, values and the glowing satisfaction of a hard day's work.

BRITAIN was last night urged to avoid the schoolboy error of thinking people like Melanie Phillips may have been right all along.

HAVING a gigantic number of policemen on the streets of London does seem to prevent riots, it emerged last night.

MEN are turning to a life of carefree homosexuality to avoid the expense of wives and children, it has emerged.

THE London riots are the inevitable consequence of a society that includes some arseholes who like to steal things instead of working, experts claimed last night.

THOUSANDS of middle class people worried about job security have signed up for a two week course in looting.

CHANGES to the higher education system will turn the majority of British homes into a degree-granting university, it has been confirmed.

CHILDRENS' constant use of screen-based technology is making them much less of a pain in the arse, it has emerged.

THE majority of British adults should be killed by the government, according to a new survey.