Society

NEW government drugs adviser Dr Hans-Christian Raabe has reassured worried parents by confirming that Christianity is the only drug young people need.

ONE of them poofters spat in my macaroni cheese last night, Mrs Phillips in room seven has claimed.

ARMED Scouts with kevlar woggles are the future of riot control, the government has confirmed.

BARONESS Warsi will today be asked to explain why some Muslim countries lock you up for having naked fun with someone you have just met.

THE government is to launch an inquiry into whether words such as 'bumtard' and 'spangler' are anti-gay.

SOMEBODY actually bought one of those stupid Segway things, it emerged last night.

THE government’s freeze on alcohol duty in yesterday’s budget suggested they still, after all these years, think money is a factor in your getting shitfaced.

THE man whose job it is to make up sex statistics has decided that modern couples are having less sex.

MOST people are managing a sumptuous eight hours sleep a night despite crippling credit card debt, it has emerged.

SCHOOLS across England are to change the name of the new baccalaureate to something like 'Bat' or 'Cat'.