Society

CUTS to police numbers will hit hardest in areas where the chances of them actually doing anything have always been remarkably slim, it has emerged.

JOHN Prescott is manoeuvring himself gradually into the mainstream of British society, it was warned last night.

ENGLAND faces the choice of a national holiday to celebrate the slaying of a fictional animal by a made-up saint or the violent deaths of a great many French people.

SMALL cakes with brightly-coloured icing will not bring boundless childish glee to your meaningless existence, it has been confirmed.

WOMEN are to pay the same for car insurance as a shit-faced monkey with a bag on its head.

FUNDAMENTALIST Christians in Derby have been forced to accept that God does not want them to be foster parents.

A MAJORITY of Britons would back far right groups if they gave up street brawling and bulldozed a mosque.

AUCTIONEERS have discovered an unpublished Enid Blyton manuscript about a group of children who spend the summer deporting gypsies.

STREET fundraisers are to be psychologically re-conditioned to reduce their self-confidence to human levels.

HUMANS are to continue to base their societies on a highly toxic substance that obviously costs far too much money.