School Leavers To Pledge Allegiance To Some Old Cow

SCHOOL leavers will be forced to swear allegiance to some stinking old cow even though they have never even met her or nothing.

Public Toilets To Be Replaced With Actual Cottages

PUBLIC lavatories across Britain are to replaced with three bedroom cottages in a bid to make furtive cock action safer and more comfortable.

Ministers Hail Success Of 24-Hour Violence Laws

BRITAIN'S controversial 24-hour violence laws have been an unqualified success, the government said last night.

Hoover Sex Cleaner Ditched By Polish Vacuum

THE Polish vacuum cleaner whose boyfriend was caught having sex with a Henry Hoover has spoken of her shame and disgust at his gay love antics. 

Big Rise In Women Getting Above Themselves

THE number of women getting above themselves has risen from 'all right love keep you hair on' to 'God, is it that time of the month already?', a new study reveals. 

Children Admit To Being Little Shits

MORE than 90% of British children are unbearable little shits, according to new research.

Immigrants Will Have To Complete Assault Course

BROWN people who want to become British citizens will have to complete an army assault course and prove they can juggle, the home secretary announced last night.

Vicar Defiant Over Foul-Mouthed Order Of Service

A RURAL vicar who littered an order of service with gratuitous swearing and foul-mouthed insults has said he would do it again.

Housewives Demand £20 An Hour For Eating Jaffa Cakes And Watching 'Trisha'

BRITAIN'S housewives would earn the equivalent of £30,000 a year if someone paid them to eat Jaffa Cakes all day, according to new research.

Valentine's Sex Bid Will Fail, Says Angry Girlfriend

THE amount of money you would need to spend on gifts to get sex on Valentine's Day after you stayed out last Saturday night without explanation is so huge there is no point in you even bothering, your angry girlfriend said last night.