Stop Trying To Make Our Heads Explode, Say Teenagers

CAMPAIGNERS are calling for a ban on a hi-tech, ultra-sonic device which causes teenagers' heads to explode.

More Women Having Lunch On Petrol Forecourts

RECORD numbers of women are having lunch on petrol station forecourts after filling up their cars with fuel, new research reveals.

Offices Brace Themselves For Blue Smartie Conversations

PUBS and offices across Britain are bracing themselves for thousands of tortuous conversations about the return of blue Smarties.

Archbishop Of Canterbury Loses Mind

THE Church of England was under temporary management last night after the Archbishop of Canterbury lost his mind during an interview with the BBC.

Leave It To The Scooby Doo Gang, Says Top Cop

POLICE officers are good at hitting people in the mouth with truncheons but should leave catching criminals to the kids from Scooby Doo, a top policeman said last night. 

For Christ's Sake Don't Behave Like British People, Immigrants Told

IMMIGRANTS should avoid acting like British people and behave like Scandinavians instead, according to new government advice packs for foreigners. 

Ryanair Ad Banned By Offwrist

AN advert featuring a grown woman in a short skirt has been banned by Britain's masturbation fantasy regulator.

Forty-Somethings A Bunch Of Whining Shits, Says Report

PEOPLE in their forties are a bunch of whingeing shits who should count their blessings, according to new research.

Home Office Hails Sharp Drop In Spoon Crime

HOME secretary Jacqui Smith last night insisted the government was making Britain a safer place after another big fall in spoon-related crime. 

Britain Loves Orgasms

BRITAIN loves having orgasms and is currently enjoying the most intense and sustained feelings of genital pleasure since records began.