Society

Lies about plastic surgery up 39%

LAST year saw a record increase in the number of obvious lies about embarrassing surgery scars.

Girlfriends to get half of disgusting heap of shit in middle of floor

WOMEN should be entitled to half of their boyfriend's disgusting pile of crap in the event of a split, according to a landmark ruling.

Britain now 'angry old widower in smelly house'

BRITAIN is the angry, racist, old widower who lives in that decrepit house at the end of the street, the UN has confirmed.

Internet damaging children's Home and Away-watching skills

YOUNG people's obsession with the internet could spell the end for traditional pastimes like watching Home and Away, according to new research.

Crime map to keep you nice and scared

THE government has unveiled a street by street crime map of the UK as part of a new initiative to keep you nicely terrified.

Miliband orders calculator watch

ED Miliband has ordered a digital calculator watch in a bid to reassure Britain he can steer it through economic turmoil.

Gypsies 'love stupid, pointless shit just like rest of us'

A NEW television series has been hailed for portraying gypsies as being just as shallow, materialistic and celebrity-obsessed as mainstream society.

Living standards plummet to early 21st Century levels

BRITAIN'S average standard of living will soon be no better than it was just over five years ago.

Fresh calls for you to be sacked

YOU are facing the sack today because you once said something about someone that some other people have decided to find offensive.

Christianity is my drug, says new government drugs adviser

NEW government drugs adviser Dr Hans-Christian Raabe has reassured worried parents by confirming that Christianity is the only drug young people need.