Society

MILLIONS of people across Britain who never go to the pub have been asking why all the pubs were closing down.

SOCIAL networking sites like Facebook and Bebo are infantalising the human brain and encouraging instant gratification, short attention spans and ooh, look, a funny cat picture.

GAIL Trimble, the University Challenge juggernaut, is to be burnt as a witch, it has been confirmed.

POLICE forces across the UK are looking forward to cracking dozens of middle class skulls this summer, a senior officer said yesterday.

PARENTS who complained about a one-armed childrens' TV presenter will have their own very special corner of Hell, Satan confirmed last night.

SUNNY Delight, the orange substance, has been defeated in a blind tasting against a new Indian soft drink made from cow urine.

A SCHOOL headteacher has resigned after voodoo parents demanded the right to withdraw their children from assemblies that included juju.

AS the country faces a fresh wave of Arctic blizzards, Britain is being urged to tap into its massive spunk reserves. 

CUTS in school music budgets could lead to a cataclysmic surge in Coldplay, Ofsted has warned. 

THE corpse of legendary entertainer Al Jolson is to be exhumed and given a right good slap, it emerged last night.