Society

THE government has rejected claims that Britain mistreats the thousands of whining, dishonest foreigners who wash up on our shores every year like so much rubbish.

THE number of people talking absolute shit has risen for the tenth year in a row and is now at its highest since records began. 

PRIME minister Gordon Brown yesterday unveiled the government's annual list of Utterly Terrifying Things.

THE Pope is being urged to confer sainthood on the Scottish biscuit maker who first had the idea of putting chocolate on a HobNob.

PEOPLE with strong religious beliefs are more likely to smile at you like some kind of unhinged, homicidal maniac, according to a new study.

TYPICAL household goods including monocle grease and penny farthing oil have been removed from the basket of items used to measure inflation.

MILLIONS of people across Britain last night vowed to give up food instead of alcohol, after the government forced them to choose.

SCHOOL leavers will be forced to swear allegiance to some stinking old cow even though they have never even met her or nothing.

PUBLIC lavatories across Britain are to replaced with three bedroom cottages in a bid to make furtive cock action safer and more comfortable.

BRITAIN'S controversial 24-hour violence laws have been an unqualified success, the government said last night.