Society

BRITAIN'S poor people have plumbed new depths of sheer, unbridled ghastliness, according to a new report.

AROUND 63% of exotic Japanese girlfriends wear old socks in bed and insist their boyfriends buy a Vauxhall Zafira or Ford Focus C-Max, new research shows. 

TRIBUTES are being paid to Sir Richard Branson this morning after the Virgin Atlantic boss died of laughter.

THE government has rejected claims that Britain mistreats the thousands of whining, dishonest foreigners who wash up on our shores every year like so much rubbish.

THE number of people talking absolute shit has risen for the tenth year in a row and is now at its highest since records began. 

PRIME minister Gordon Brown yesterday unveiled the government's annual list of Utterly Terrifying Things.

THE Pope is being urged to confer sainthood on the Scottish biscuit maker who first had the idea of putting chocolate on a HobNob.

PEOPLE with strong religious beliefs are more likely to smile at you like some kind of unhinged, homicidal maniac, according to a new study.

TYPICAL household goods including monocle grease and penny farthing oil have been removed from the basket of items used to measure inflation.

MILLIONS of people across Britain last night vowed to give up food instead of alcohol, after the government forced them to choose.