Society

EVER wondered which of your deficiencies as a person really seals the deal?

INTELLIGENT life may exist elsewhere in the universe. It may even have visited Earth. But it definitely did not do any of this bullshit.

WERE you saddened to discover that telly wasn’t all soft porn after 9pm? You were probably gutted by these other childhood revelations too.

WARM air costs money. It is not there for old people to bask luxuriously in on frivolous all-day bus journeys, with the pathetic excuse that their homes are cold and they might die.

ONCE a term your teachers fancied an easy day so hired a coach and took the class somewhere local and cheap.

WERE your teenage years a huge disappointment? These are the things you thought would make them magical which didn't ever happen.

THE UK is unknowingly celebrating the ancient pagan holiday of Beltane by having a barbecue with a few cans in the back garden.

WE all want a better world. But we must strive for it without upsetting older, wealthier, whiter people, or indeed anyone at all. Here is the sensible liberal’s guide to protest.

THE British public have become familiar with American put-downs, but do they do the job as well their British alternatives? Let’s find out.

BRITAIN is governed with the sole aim of appeasing red-faced drivers with high blood pressure, it has been confirmed.