Politics

HELLO, it’s Priti Patel. When I'm not threatening asylum seekers and eroding human rights, I like to have guests over just as much as the next person. Here’s how to do it.

THE government is considering imposing a 60-day masturbation ban across the UK to encourage everyone to spend money instead. 

THE Conservatives are confident that an entire day spent voting to deprive the poor of food and money will not rebound on them in any way. 

ANDY Burnham is now the North’s Jesus and will be betrayed at a potato-pie supper before crucifixion on a bleak rainswept hill in Oldham.

TOUGH day making the hostile environment positively belligerent? Sick of leftie lawyers getting you down? These are the life mottos that I, home secretary Priti Patel, swear by.

YES, the pandemic is on everyone’s minds right now. But can we all stop debating tiers and lockdown and devote a moment to admiring how badly we’re f**king up Brexit?

BORIS Johnson’s deal with the EU is likely to be a huge disappointment to Leave voters who never knew what they wanted anyway. Tell yourself this lot of bollocks:

MANCHESTER mayor Andy Burnham has admitted being suspicious about a wedding invitation he has received which is unusually red.

ARE you rich and powerful but still don’t want to pay for your bins to be collected? Here Dominic Cummings explains how to get out of it.

MINISTERS who gave contracts for Covid work to close associates have defended themselves by saying they were only guilty of being great friends.