Politics

THE Conservative Party has been committed to sterilising poor people since it was founded in 1834, historians have confirmed.

THE prime minister has confirmed that the Carillion collapse means she will have to give the austerity lever a few more good hard pulls. 

THE government has confirmed there is absolutely nothing it can do to save non-London-based industries.

THE leader of UKIP has pledged that his next 25-year-old girlfriend will not be as obviously racist.

THE prime minister is celebrating after Donald Trump did not include Britain in his list of ‘shithole’ countries.

NIGEL Farage has backed a second Brexit referendum or anything else that will make him relevant again.

DAVID Davis has told the EU that he does not really give a shit about any British business except financial services.

TOBY Young has condemned a campaign against him as being a form of prejudice against twats.

BRITONS are convinced there has been a terrible mistake after health minister Jeremy Hunt was promoted in the cabinet reshuffle.  

THERESA May has flexed her political muscle by imposing a radical new lunchtime seating plan on her Cabinet.