Politics

THE EU has imposed a 40 per cent tariff on overweight American golf tossers flying over here to lumber around a green near a castle.

THE UK will remain in the customs union with the EU for the short period of time it takes to get a fully-functioning moon base established.  

THE government has given Wetherspoons a rail franchise after the pub chain confirmed it knew nothing about running trains.

PARLIAMENT has voted to continue following orders from Britain’s newspapers or face having their heads metaphorically kicked in.  

THE House of Lords has shocked Britain by being full of senile old bastards who are not backing Brexit. 

BORIS Johnson has decided he may as well just tell the prime minister to piss off.

TORIES are concerned the government is so bogged down in Brexit it does not have time to destroy the rest of the fabric of society.  

THE UK has refused to hand a clear local election victory to either Labour or the Conservatives because both of them are pretty toss.

A MAN is pretty confident that pornstar Cambridge Analytica has been paid off by Trump and Stormy Daniels has shut down, or possibly vice versa.  

THE deepening Brexit crisis has made Britons wonder what has become of the pink-faced Etonian who caused it in the first place.