Just Tell Me How Much You Want, Says Osborne

THE Conservative Party is to unveil a new tax strategy based on asking voters exactly how much it's going to take.

Kevin Bacon To Teach Britain How To Dance

HOLLYWOOD superstar Kevin Bacon is to lead a dance rebellion against Gordon Brown after the Prime Minister called for a ban on rock'n'roll.

Brown Opts For Autumn Erection

PRIME Minister Gordon Brown has instructed senior aides to begin preparations for an erection on 25 October.

Sir Ming Tells Leadership Critics To Speak Up

LIB Dem leader Sir Ming Campbell has challenged his leadership critics to an open debate as long as they promise to speak loudly and clearly.

Thatcher Wanders Into No.10 Broom Cupboard

FORMER Prime Minister Baroness Thatcher made a nostalgic return to Downing Street yesterday, spending 45 minutes in the first floor broom cupboard.

TUC Raises Threat Of Winter In Majorca

HARD-pressed public sector workers have threatened to spend the winter at their apartments in Santa Ponsa unless the government improves its offer on pay and conditions.

Tories Pledge To Make Themselves Utterly Pointless

GORDON Brown will remain prime minister if the Conservatives win the next election, as the party launches a new campaign to make itself completely and utterly pointless.

'I'm Your Private Dancer' Cameron Tells Voters

TORY leader David Cameron will attempt to revive his party's fortunes by telling voters he will do what they want him to do.

Blair Hires Scary Clown To Stalk Brown

TONY Blair has appointed a sinister clown to stalk Gordon Brown for the next two years in a bid to drive the Prime Minister "even further round the bend".

Scotland To Buy Second Hand Car With Own Money

FIRST minister Alex Salmond will today announce that Scotland is to get a part-time job and save up enough money to buy a car.