Politics

PRIME Minister Gordon Brown has instructed senior aides to begin preparations for an erection on 25 October.

LIB Dem leader Sir Ming Campbell has challenged his leadership critics to an open debate as long as they promise to speak loudly and clearly.

FORMER Prime Minister Baroness Thatcher made a nostalgic return to Downing Street yesterday, spending 45 minutes in the first floor broom cupboard.

HARD-pressed public sector workers have threatened to spend the winter at their apartments in Santa Ponsa unless the government improves its offer on pay and conditions.

GORDON Brown will remain prime minister if the Conservatives win the next election, as the party launches a new campaign to make itself completely and utterly pointless.

TORY leader David Cameron will attempt to revive his party's fortunes by telling voters he will do what they want him to do.

TONY Blair has appointed a sinister clown to stalk Gordon Brown for the next two years in a bid to drive the Prime Minister "even further round the bend".

FIRST minister Alex Salmond will today announce that Scotland is to get a part-time job and save up enough money to buy a car.

DOUGLAS Alexander, the international development secretary, is celebrating an impressive set of exam scores although he had to wait an extra day to get them after problems with a new online results system.

GORDON Brown is in regular contact with his predecessor Tony Blair through a relentless stream of angry, foul-mouthed emails.