Sport

ARSENAL manager Arsene Wenger has given up football in order to become a tortoise, it has emerged.

MANUEL Pellegrini has confirmed that Manchester City can stick the League Cup up its backside.

WAYNE Rooney will be out of action for six weeks after he realised during training that all human endeavour is ultimately pointless.

TOP footballers who pretended to love the Premier League only really wanted its money, broken-hearted chairmen have discovered.

FANS of Aston Villa went through an unprecedented number of grief stages during their 6-0 home defeat yesterday.

A MAN who does not like football died laughing after discovering the price of a ticket.

LEICESTER City FC has carried out emergency works on its bandwagon following an unprecedented number of passengers.

A LIVERPOOL fan who joined the Anfield ticket prices walkout has just realised that Sunderland scored twice in the last ten minutes.

AMERICA celebrated last night as the Memphis Ocelots beat the Las Vegas Assholes in Superbowl 50.

THE Six Nations has seen England’s pubs upgrade to a higher class of loud, annoying wanker.