Sport

MICK McCarthy has been given the awful job of managing Ipswich Town after proving to be impressively funereal.

ROMAN Abramovich has bought the Trident weapons system as part of a plan to shore up Chelsea's defences.

CHELSEA football stadium emits a form of radiation that makes people horribly racist, it has been confirmed.

THE greatest racehorse of all time is to become a professional snooker player.

CAMPAIGNERS are demanding that footballers stop dragging their overpaid pastime into their bigotry.

YOU have to pay to get into football matches, according to new research.

WAYNE Rooney has hit back at criticism of modern English footballers, saying he still has a massive appetite.

LIVERPOOL'S redeveloped ground will have the largest capacity in the second tier, it has emerged.

TWITTER has told the hundreds of professional footballers on the site to piss up a rope.