Sport

CHELSEA midfielder Juan Mata has been sold to an eerie crewless ship.

A CONSORTIUM of United fans has bought a season ticket to throw onto the pitch in protest against David Moyes.

GARY Neville as been arrested for attempting to scale David Moyes's garden fence while carrying a gun.

FOOTBALL clubs are being advised to get their ill-advised transfer window panic buys in early before the rush.

DAVID Moyes has been advised by his predecessor to boost Manchester United's league position by getting more goals.

SAM Allardyce is losing £20,000 a day after spread betting on when he will get fired.

AS appalling England cricket coach Andy Flower vowed to stay on, the country will join forces to stop him reaching his office.

ENGLAND'S reported loss to Australia in The Ashes has been discounted because it took place on the other side of the world.

DAVID Beckham has admitted that his tattoos are visual substitutes for his complete lack of any short-term memory.

THE FA has confirmed that as of 7pm last night, kicking Luis Suarez is no longer a punishable offence.