I'm a British fish, and I'm seriously f**ked off

JACOB Rees-Mogg told Parliament yesterday that fish are better and happier for being British. Well, I’m a British fish, and I’m properly f**ked off. 

Best part of having a dog is when it runs away and you have to chase it for hours, say dogs

DOGS believe that the best thing about owning them is when they make you search for them for hours in dense woodland.

It all went to shit when Paul the Octopus died, scientists confirm

PAUL the psychic octopus was the only thing standing between humanity and catastrophic disaster, scientists have confirmed. 

Dead hamster immortalised as answer to password security question

A DECEASED hamster will live on in memory after becoming the answer to a password security question.

Dog really not sure who left massive dog shit in living room

A DOG has confirmed that he has no leads on the source of the huge dog turd currently steaming on the living room carpet.

Woman who calls puppy her 'baby' unsure why she doesn't have a boyfriend

A WOMAN who carries her puppy everywhere, along with poo bags, a special fluffy bed and dehydrated raw chicken snacks, is unsure why her first dates go no further.

Woman happily falls down stairs to avoid stepping on cat

A WOMAN who fell down a flight of stairs to avoid stepping on her cat has confirmed she would happily do it again.

Cat with five beds prefers laptop

A CAT with five different beds has chosen to occupy a laptop computer.

Dog going through mid-life crisis shagging owner's other leg

A DOG experiencing a mid-life crisis has begun shagging his owner’s other leg to make him feel young and virile again. 

Cats confirm they're no closer to understanding what 'that's mine' means

CATS have confirmed they are no closer to understanding what the phrase, 'no, that's mine' actually means.