Animals

A CAT that is used as a substitute child would like to live with some humans who are not mental, he has confirmed.

SIR David Attenborough has called for new measures to protect wildlife ‘except wasps and midges who can just fuck off’.

A CAT paused a vicious fight to groom itself for some reason, according to eyewitnesses.

A CAT has very briefly considered not being an utter bastard.

A DOG has been shocked to discover his owner is not a pack leader but a lowly subordinate.  

A CAT has set up a lucrative crack-style operation selling tinned tuna to other cats.

THERESA May has unveiled the new Downing Street pet, a 150-pound rottweiler called ‘Gary’.

THE cannibalistic female funnel web spider is amazingly like the bitch he used to be married to, a divorced scientist has claimed.

THE steaming Jurassic jungles were alive with the sound of dinosaurs that sounded like aggrieved Scousers, paleontologists have claimed.